it’s 2 a.m.

It’s 2 a.m.
These nights haven’t come around in a while
I thought for a while they were done coming around
I don’t know the reason for their visits
I don’t know why they awaken me
Startled
Panicked
Choking
Almost…
I have to remind myself I have lungs
That they are healthy.
Relearn how to breathe.
While I lay awake my mind wonders through terrible things
It goes like this
I hVe a problem
I think
No no stop it breathe and relax
My anxiety caused it surely
I mean yA that’s a possibility of course Now relax because it it is thinking about stress won’t help
Maybe it’s my acid reflux
Because of the fast food and the coffees and the pops and not enough water
Maybe I should take a bath and take a pill for the aflux
No no no it’s 2 a.m lay back down
We can start eating healthy Tomorrow
My eating habits are weird this month…maybe I’m preggers.
Shit where’s my period
Calm your horses weirdo it’s 2 a.m! We need sleep! Now hush!
Or…maybe it’s cancer! Maybe that’s why my throat hurt a while back for a long time and they lied about the aflux OR the meds I had to take to get rid of that shit imbalanced me and gave me lung cancer…
On and on and on
Breathing isn’t easy here.
It may be for a while but
The tension always reels
The dizziness seems to come
And it overwhelms past exhaustion
It awakens my mind and plays with me like a cat with catnip on a string
I want to be better
But
No more medicines
Please

it’s 3 a.m.

Advertisements

Ringin in the New Year

2015 here I come
A lot of people ring in the new year with a diet, workout routines or a cleanse of some sort. And while these are great it only focusses on a small portion of being a human. I have put deep thought into what I want to focus on in my life or close in on. in three simple sections I will explain myself
I want to really take Keep Christmas in My Heart All Year Long literally. For christmas spirit is love. I want to be a more loving person. Not only to myself but to everyone who comes my way even strangers. I want to brighten days, put smiles on people’s faces and be honest with myself. I want to treat myself like the queen I am. Meaning I want to lead a healthier lifestyle which could be anywhere from dropping fast food, smaller amounts of caffeine, no pop, more water, some sort of strength building exercise and working on strengthening my inner self. I want to try to meditate daily with God. I want to really walk the path he has for me and go with joy. It’s time to break down my walls that I have built higher and higher!
I want to explore every crevice of being in the musical world that I have chosen to live in. I want to explore my teaching and finish my degree. I want to pass all my exams I need and go out with a bang. I want to gain more students for my private lesson instruction and I want to start my journey as a professional trumpet player. By march I want to audition places and I want to get resumes submitted to schools and hopefully get a job!
And finally I want to get out and explore! I want to see new horizons and visit friends in foreign places. I want be better at saving my money for these trips and for the betterment of my relationships and my future self.

This new years I want to break down my walls and live freely yet reign my habits such as my eating habits, trusting others, hiding behind walls and spending my money too loosely. 2015 is going to be big and I can’t wait to see exactly what is to come!