Floating

When Everythings up

but your going down

and it’s a struggle to keep your feet on the ground

your eyes blur

try to look around

when you think you hear there’s not even a sound

be careful where you venture

be careful what you see

because in reality you may never be found

don’t go too far

don’t learn to much

if what you wish is to be wated but never to be bound.

time

Tick tick

tock tock

the days go by

look at the clock

its half past eight

the sun has split

down the middle

and melted in.

Work is over

it’s time to rest

the soup was good

its almost time for bed.

Don’t bring nightmares

see into my dreams

they dance around my head

tug at my seams.

The stars aren’t around

they can’t be seen

my eyelids are sore

im stuck in between

between awake and asleep

count 123

the clock is

stopped

tick tick

tock

tick

tick

tock

Exhaustion from life

I have recently been getting back into the religous side of myself so I went to church today. And I don’t go to a small church my church is so big that you feel alone. We had a guest speaker today at my large church and it was a woman. She reminded me of wel…me. A little bigger, big curly hair, fun kind sense of being. So she was relatable. But beyond that…the sermon she gave was eye opening. She spoke on the standards of the american work force and how we are tryiing to save too much and do too much. We are trying to save enough pie for only us just in case even though there are so many starving people. She also discussed how organized sports and activities are breaking families and hurting more than helping. I am a product of organized theater and band. They have basically been my whole life besides swim team….and to hear her say these things break people apart…it resonated. Because honestly, it did. I was never really home for dinner at house and am not now as much either and as a result I have lost all desire to spend time with my family. Because I worked that hard as a youngin, I work twice as hard now and am burning a wick at more than two ends. And it needs to stop. I agreed with this woman, who looked so much and acted like me. I could see that she really knew what she was saying. She had lived through it. And when I looked around at the thousands of silenced, eyes stuck foreward people in that church, I realized I wasn’t the only one relating to this sermon. I wasn’t the only re living the rejections from those sports and acting auditions and chair auditions for band. Because in toay’s society that’s what defines a person. What they do, how well and how hard they are willing to fight for it and the money they make from the battle. But I ask, after that hard battle how many people really feel like living life ad having fun? Not that many. Because if we go to bed at night and just pass out or don’t even make it to bed…we are going to miss it. What are we going to miss? What we are on earth for…Jesus. We are going to miss him in the midst of our exhaustion. And if you don’t believe in him there are plenty of other things you will miss like outings with your famiy, time in general those you love, getting to realy know yoursef past the tired eyes and limbs. I am challenging myself to look past what I do to find who I am. And to really make the time to say no to others sometimes to just be with myself ad my family. Time is short. Don’t stay stuck at work and on your iphone all the days.

The Broccoli Cheese Soup

So I don’t know how to cook very well. I was always too busy with acting and music stuff and sports when I was growing up to really sit down and learn. So now that I have a boyfriend and am grown up getting ready to move out of my parents place, I thought eh why not try to learn! And the best way I learn is to just jump right in. I was watching chopped last night and decided today would be the day! The day I jumped in and started my cooking adventures. I looked up my pinterest and saw brocoli chedder soup using only 5 ingrediants and said hmmmm that looks easy! Went to Walmart down the road from mi casa in the pouring rain money in hand. obtained the onion, cheese (sharp chedder naturally}, broccoli, condensed milk and broth. Pay and leave and return home. I begin. And about an hour later my soup looks scrumptious! The cheese has melted nicely the broccoli is almost mushed as mushed it needs to be. And the smell smells amazing. I get my dad to taste it. He leans back and I expect him to say woooowwww so good….but he doesnt. His nose crinkles and he says what..that aint right! He rushes to the closet as I gaze wonderingly over my lovely creation. He pulls the condensed milk from the closet and places it on the counter in front of me….condensed SWEETENED milk.

face palm

We strained the last batch and re cooked everything with JUST milk!!!

clean it up, scrape it off, leave it behind

Yesterday was the first of 2015. January 1, 2015. Despite my exhaustion from partying on Wednesday I had an overwhelming urge to clean. Not just clean anything. I felt the urge to clean my room and my car. My room and my car are my sanctuaries. They are where I spend the majority of my time and ever since I moved home from college, they both have become very unwelcoming. They WERE cluttered. They WERE unhealthy. They WERE cramped. And then I cleaned it up. I scraped it off and I left it behind. The it is what you may be pondering over. The it’s I tossed out and cleaned up weren’t just things that cramped my being and flooded my peacefulness. They were memories. The it’s in my sanctuaries were the demons of my past and I destroyed them. When I was routing through my room I found things from exes, from old friends who burned me, things from who knows who, and lot’s and lot’s of dust and grime. And when I said goodbye to these things, I could feel the painfulness of these memories going with them and my sinuses clearing me! I set up a sort of shrine with some of my favorite pictures and memoirs from the years closest to present, hung little light lanterns and lit a lot of candles. I meditated in the middle of this clean room I had forgotten existed and it felt wonderful. I felt clean and not just from the absence of the dirt. But of the missing pains, the gone grime of my past that now lies in the dump. I feel free. And this is what I am focussing on in 2015. I love this free feeling so much it has become the basis of my being. FREE.

Review of Unbroken

I am a total movie enthusiest. I love seeing a great movie. Movies have ability to transport me places and make time dissapear. I went to see the movie Unbroken today. Everyone I have spoen with who has seen it gave great reviews and said it was a great wartime movie. And it was. It told the story of an American olympian captured by the Japs in world war two. The commander of the prisoner camp he was sent to tried to break him and even whe he was at his lowest he lifted the plank above his head and was deemed unbroken. Phenominal story and great history and a fantastic score. The one thing I encourage people to take away from this film more than anything though, even above a depiction of physical and mental strength, is the fact that forgiveness trumps revenge. People do stupid things. People do mean things. And whether we mean to or not we are not meant to be the ruler of judgment. They are our brothers. Blood and kin make mistakes too. Forgiveness is the key to our freedom. Forgiveness is the basis of being redeemed, renewed and revived. When we forgive, we truly see through the eyes of God.

In response to The Daily Post’s weekly writing challenge: “Ice, Water, Steam.”

I was asked to look through the lense of water and to round myself up

I am almost out of college so I am not going to talk about future me because honestly I don’t know what’s going to happen right now and that’s ok! In the water I have been in during my span of life, I could see for miles. I have seen sharks, sting rays, manatees and turtles. And the water I have been provided for drink has made me healthy for it is clear. Therefore I will reflect clearly on a former self from merely 2 years ago. I have changed immensely in 2 years. 2 years ago I was a junior in college still trying too desperately to get a boyfriend, going on dates with a differet man from online and being hurt edlessly. I was still trying to let go of an abusive ex ,who I now have NO issues with. And can whole heartedly admit to myself and others that I was very wrong about him and whatever I felt for him was not love. I was a theater star at my college and was working towards my dream of being on broadway, putting my music education degree and trumpet behind me. But something happened on the way to the forum…I kept getting this feeling that I wasn’t on the right path. That broadway was not my calling. I kept praying and praying for it to be shown to me. And now looking back I realize how set up it was for me. I didn’t get any leads in the musical that year or plays and callased as I was, I left the theater department and played in the pit orchestra. Anything Goes was the last play I tried out for with my whole being put into it. I tried for a few more in the city but things just weren’t what they used to be. that pit orchestra was only the beginning of my professional trumpet carreer. I play everywhere now. That summer was the best and I often think of it to empower me. I broke up with the ex for the last time and did not look back. I went clubbing every weekend with my best friends and had no regrets. I lost enough weight to wear gorgeous outfits on those nights out and I met the love of my life. I met him online and yes it took me a while to be able to admit that but he’s the best. ┬áHe is still here. He has broken a lot of trust issues and callases apart. I want to merry him and have kids and no I never thought I’d say that. But that’s just a part of me. A part I’ve learned well and waited for for almost 23 years. And I’m keeping it safe.

Happy ny